consequences

"I think horrible is still coming. Right now, it's worse... I can't breathe, Will. I feel like I can't breathe."

It's kind of funny. You spend every day telling yourself that it's hopeless, that it's never going to happen. You get completely used to the idea that you have no chance and never will. So when those words are actually spoken to you, they simply come and fill up the space that you've already carved for them.

Meanwhile, you completely forget to prepare for the part that always follows: the part where you lose your dearest friend. You spend all that time making space for the rejection that you don't prepare - you can't prepare - for having a piece of you ripped away, just like that. And despite knowing all along that this was the only way things could have possibly turned out, you were completely unprepared for it, and now you're left, staggering and gasping for air.

it's simple, really

The reason video games are so appealing to so many people is because in a video game, if you work hard, you will get what you want. No matter how ambitious the goal, how high you set your sights for a reward, attaining it is possible for everyone. Farm enough gold, earn enough experience points, drop that mob enough times, and you will eventually be able to get that item that you want.

In a video game, nothing is unattainable. There isn't any one thing that you can't have, no matter how hard you try, no matter how much blood, sweat, and tears you put towards it. In the end, as long as you keep pumping those numbers, victory can and shall be yours.

In a video game, you never have to deal with never.

same old things

The parallels are so striking. Almost creepy.

It's just like that time, the way it snuck up on you like that - caught you so off guard that by the time you noticed, it was too late. But without the snow. Or the skates.

Same feeling, different time, different place, different people. Kundera says that the gestures we use are far more unique than we are - the same could be said for our thoughts and emotions as well. We are merely their bearers, their incarnations.

I don't own emotion - I rent.

Same feeling, different time, different place, different people. But I'm better this time. I won't screw it up.

Not as badly.

This is how it works: you repeat the same mistakes over and over again and just hope that you'll get a little better each time. Then one day, when the little betters add up to good enough, you can start to break the pattern.

Or you get so good at repeating the pattern so perfectly that you don't notice the difference anymore.

since it's almost thanksgiving

this is not the last snowfall, not our last embrace
but if i were that kind of grateful, what would i try to say?
- v

So much going through my head these days, or as a friend might put it, "The hamster's been working overtime." A whole lot of thrashing, a whole lot of looking inside and outside, and surprisingly, a whole lot of discoveries too.

Life has been so incredibly good lately, and it feels a little bit weird to be so close to equilibrium once again - especially considering the state S left me in just a little more than a year ago. I keep telling myself that one day, I'm going to look back at this past year as one of the best years of my life. But perhaps it is because of this that I am so wary. What happens after this year is done? I have a saying that every bit of happiness in my life must be paid for in tenfold - no, a hundredfold - the amount in pain... because thus far it's been true.

So I spend a lot of time and energy looking around the next corner, waiting for the other boot to fall. I wonder how long my luck is going to last, when I'm going to royally fuck it all up again like I have all the other times before. Because if history's any indication, right about now is usually when something happens to knock me completely off balance once again.

But something is different this time. More than ever before, I am learning to remain grateful. And so far it's helped me stay on my feet. I am learning to say, "If this is all I'm ever going to get, then so be it." Or, to quote one of my favorite movie lines of all time, "Enough. Enough now."

So I'm learning, bit by bit. I'm learning to see what it is I have and not what it is I want.* To be content with what I'm given, so that anything more that comes along is a pleasant surprise. And so far, the surprises have been many, which on the one hand is awesome, but on the other hand makes the task of keeping my expectations in check that much more challenging.

All in all, it's a slow process, but at least being grateful is easy. I've more or less been lifted from the depths of what felt like hell thanks to the collective grace of all the people who have touched my life this year. From the ones who were there to keep me together to the ones who listened to (or, in some cases, read) my story, to the people who bring so much joy and meaning to my life today... it's truly thanks to all of them that I can say that life is better now than it's ever been.

Which isn't to say that I'm happy right now (damn, this guy's hard to please). I continue to struggle with my ever-present doubts, with some feelings that make no sense to me at all, with curbing my enthusiasm for people and keeping my expectations within reason, and with the occasional visits from my old friend and archnemesis. The ups and the downs continue on, but such is life, as they say. Besides, lately the ups have been totally, totally worth it.

I'm starting to think that happiness is overrated anyway, or at least, it's not something that you can find and then keep.*** But for now, I am content, and perhaps that's even more important than being happy. At least I try to convince myself of this, which sometimes works and sometimes doesn't. But I definitely do not take for granted nor lightly the many wonderful moments I'm given these days after which I find myself saying, "Enough. Enough now."


* I'm also learning to just ask for what I want rather than hope others will magically know. I partly have The Tower** to thank for this. For what it's worth, the one time I tried this worked brilliantly.

** Now I just have to figure out how to need not to need... to be needed.

*** Or maybe I just lack the ability to do so. That, or I simply haven't found it yet.

in defense of smallness

In the grand scheme of things, nothing matters. Nothing is bigger than the infinite amount of time and space in this universe, so there’s really no hope that any one person will have done something that will be of any significance on that scale.

So what can we do but live for the small things? For the moments, however brief, of pure happiness and joy that we bring each other. For the smiles and the laughter, for the affectionate touch and the meeting of eyes. And for the moments of sadness and pain too - the tugging of our hearts, the sound of “no” or “I’m sorry, but...”, the glares of anger or the looks of disappointment... In many ways, our lives are composed entirely of and remembered by those small moments, even amidst the large and life-changing events.

So maybe there’s nothing wrong at all with placing so much importance in all these little things, be they the slightest gestures of kindness and affection or the most thoughtless acts of... well, thoughtlessness. Because it is in these little moments that we are truly alive.

coefficient of life

you were blessed by
a different kind of inner view
it's all magnified
the highs will make you fly
but the lows make you want to die
- missy higgins

Being able to fly for days off the smallest word or gesture, however thoughtful or thoughtless, is such an amazing gift to have... but boy, I can never get used to those drops caused by the smallest word or gesture, however thoughtful or thoughtless.

Given that you can't have one without the other, I wonder sometimes if I'd be better off (or, at the very least, more sane) without either.

I'm suddenly reminded of something e. wrote a long, long time ago:

But I can't say that all of Buddhist teachings resonate with me (what I understand of them, anyway). I have no interest in eliminating desire and suffering. I'm interested in experiencing them, reveling in them, learning from them, understanding them. Maybe the objective in Buddhism is to do that, and then to transcend them, leaving behind their capacity for destruction. Noble, to be sure. A world of enlightened beings would be terribly idyllic. Call it selfish if you want, but I want my world with drama.

colors and scents

It's amazing how different the world can look from one day to the next without visibly changing at all. During my drive to work today, I noted how much colder and darker everything looked... despite the fact that the clouds that had engulfed the skies the day before had all but disappeared by this morning. I found myself reveling at the sudden sense of overwhelming unfamiliarity that seemed to have settled onto the world. All the colors seemed to have shifted into an unrecognizable pattern, and the drive up 101 this morning felt like it was the first I'd ever made.

I have this strange habit of seeing and remembering things by their colors and their smells. I'd step outside onto a street that I've walked through a million times before, and every now and then, I would find myself thinking, "It smells like Japan," or "It looks like Boston."

I'm probably making no sense at all, as I remember trying to describe this once to a friend without much success. But it's interesting to me how strongly my memory is tied to the smell of the air or the color of the atmosphere, especially in combination with the fact that my own vision at the present is very much affected by my current state of mind. What's even more interesting are the colors of the memories that most frequently choose to surface in my mind.