since it's almost thanksgiving

this is not the last snowfall, not our last embrace
but if i were that kind of grateful, what would i try to say?
- v

So much going through my head these days, or as a friend might put it, "The hamster's been working overtime." A whole lot of thrashing, a whole lot of looking inside and outside, and surprisingly, a whole lot of discoveries too.

Life has been so incredibly good lately, and it feels a little bit weird to be so close to equilibrium once again - especially considering the state S left me in just a little more than a year ago. I keep telling myself that one day, I'm going to look back at this past year as one of the best years of my life. But perhaps it is because of this that I am so wary. What happens after this year is done? I have a saying that every bit of happiness in my life must be paid for in tenfold - no, a hundredfold - the amount in pain... because thus far it's been true.

So I spend a lot of time and energy looking around the next corner, waiting for the other boot to fall. I wonder how long my luck is going to last, when I'm going to royally fuck it all up again like I have all the other times before. Because if history's any indication, right about now is usually when something happens to knock me completely off balance once again.

But something is different this time. More than ever before, I am learning to remain grateful. And so far it's helped me stay on my feet. I am learning to say, "If this is all I'm ever going to get, then so be it." Or, to quote one of my favorite movie lines of all time, "Enough. Enough now."

So I'm learning, bit by bit. I'm learning to see what it is I have and not what it is I want.* To be content with what I'm given, so that anything more that comes along is a pleasant surprise. And so far, the surprises have been many, which on the one hand is awesome, but on the other hand makes the task of keeping my expectations in check that much more challenging.

All in all, it's a slow process, but at least being grateful is easy. I've more or less been lifted from the depths of what felt like hell thanks to the collective grace of all the people who have touched my life this year. From the ones who were there to keep me together to the ones who listened to (or, in some cases, read) my story, to the people who bring so much joy and meaning to my life today... it's truly thanks to all of them that I can say that life is better now than it's ever been.

Which isn't to say that I'm happy right now (damn, this guy's hard to please). I continue to struggle with my ever-present doubts, with some feelings that make no sense to me at all, with curbing my enthusiasm for people and keeping my expectations within reason, and with the occasional visits from my old friend and archnemesis. The ups and the downs continue on, but such is life, as they say. Besides, lately the ups have been totally, totally worth it.

I'm starting to think that happiness is overrated anyway, or at least, it's not something that you can find and then keep.*** But for now, I am content, and perhaps that's even more important than being happy. At least I try to convince myself of this, which sometimes works and sometimes doesn't. But I definitely do not take for granted nor lightly the many wonderful moments I'm given these days after which I find myself saying, "Enough. Enough now."


* I'm also learning to just ask for what I want rather than hope others will magically know. I partly have The Tower** to thank for this. For what it's worth, the one time I tried this worked brilliantly.

** Now I just have to figure out how to need not to need... to be needed.

*** Or maybe I just lack the ability to do so. That, or I simply haven't found it yet.