it's been awhile

two cups of boba in my hands and i'm on top of the world. hope my friends don't mind me ditching them halfway through our workout. hope they don't suspect a thing either. as i cross the soccer turf, i'm grinning to myself at how much of an idiot i must look, grinning like that. but let the world laugh, i say to myself. they're just jealous.

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collapsing onto the frozen field, i find myself buried in nearly two feet of snow, surrounded by bags of leftover 2-liter bottles and party snacks. home is a mere minute's walk away, but i feel completely lost in the dark. and i'm tired... so, so tired. more tired than i have ever been, and in likelihood, than i ever will be. i had spent more energy than i could afford to borrow, and the sinking feeling that it was all for naught is just too much to bear right now. for once in my life, i feel entirely without resolve to get back up. i want to just lie here in the cold forever. and so i do just that. time passes. get up, I tell myself. you've got to keep moving, even though you don't know why.

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driving home on the 101, going probably too fast to be remotely considered legal. if i crash and burn, at least this joke of a life will be over with. wonder how the cop would react when he sees me breaking down in front of him, should i get pulled over. what had i done wrong? where did i start screwing it all up? never before had i had felt so confident, so sure of myself. for once in my life, i knew what it was like to believe in myself. to think that i was worth somebody's attention. and then to have it all come crashing down on me. a large part of me is still in shock from it all, but deep inside i know - i had seen it coming. good things don't happen to me. why would this time be any different?

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sitting at the back of the lecture hall, watching as the initiation ceremony proceeds. there's hardly a face i recognize in here. i really should be more social with people my year or below me. but what's the point? i won't be here for much longer. it's great to be an officer who doesn't have a part in the ceremony - i can just chat and surf the web on my laptop. all of a sudden, something... no, someone enters the room and catches my eye, and i find myself paying closer attention to the ceremony. i message my roommate, saying there's a cute girl being initiated, and he jokes that we should all sit next to her during dinner and hit on her. they start calling roll, and the next thing i know, i'm typing excitedly into my laptop. "holy shit. her name's also..."

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curled up in a hotel bed that's too large to be comfortable, far away from home. far away from both homes. one helluva dream, i tell the empty room. so far from reality. "was it worth it?" stop kidding yourself. you were expecting too much. wanting too much. everybody else is fine with it, so why shouldn't i be? get your head out of the clouds, and stop dreaming about silly things. i'm just another normal human being, no more deserving of attention than the next awkward idiot who comes along trying to be friends. but i'm different, i say. i'm special. yeah you are. special. so's everybody else.