onto deeper thoughts

We make so many big decisions in our lives based on what we think is best for ourselves and those around us. Given a choice of two paths without knowing the outcome of either path, we convince ourselves that one is better than the other and move forward, never really knowing if we did make the better choice. Sometimes, we do this even when our decision causes us pain or deprives us of pleasure in the near and medium term, but we hope that in the long run we will be better off for it. Then, after a long time has passed, we convince ourselves that we did. "Dodged that bullet," we say to ourselves and to our friends in hindsight. But we say it half-jokingly at best, because deep down we realize that we really don't know if we were right.

Milan Kundera writes:

We can never know what to want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come.

Was it better to be with Tereza or to remain alone?

There is no means of testing which decision is better, because there is no basis for comparison. We live everything as it comes, without warning, like an actor going on cold. And what can life be worth if the first rehearsal for life is life itself? That is why life is always like a sketch. No, "sketch" is not quite the word, because a sketch is an outline of something, the groundwork for a picture, whereas the sketch that is our life is a sketch for nothing, an outline with no picture.

Einmal is keinmal, says Tomas to himself. What happens but once, says the German adage, might as well have not happened at all. If we have only one life to live, we might as well have not lived at all.

All I know is this: while I have made many mistakes in my life thus far and am bound to make countless more, I do not regret a single one of them. Each and every mistake I have made has taught me something invaluable or led me to other wonderful and amazing things - and oftentimes it's even both, so I really have no basis whatsoever to say that my life would be better right now if I had done anything differently.

So when I look at the present and the future, and I see something beautiful and great right in front of me - I choose to pursue it without regard for whether it's best for me in the long run. Because the fact of the matter is, there is no way of truly knowing what's best for me in the long run.

Call me short-sighted. Call me greedy. Call me foolish. But I'd rather be all that. I'd rather die trying for it than live the rest of my life wondering, "What if?"